They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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