This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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