i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
