He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
