I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
