ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Say something about gay babies.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize