Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
