TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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