i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
