So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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