He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize