either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Randomize