I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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