i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I would fuck him just for his dog
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize