I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
3pm strippers are depressing
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
