I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
