Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
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