you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
