...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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