I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
