Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
