Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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