Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
