Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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