I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
