someone owes me an orgasm
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
