Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
