I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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