she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
