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I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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