You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
