I could make wine with my vomit
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
