The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
