So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My penis needs a shock collar
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
3 2 1 whiskey
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have aggressive nipples.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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