that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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