it's too hot outside to masturbate.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
