Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Randomize
