I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
