Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
