what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
