dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize