do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Did I show you my penis last night?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
