you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
