Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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