If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
