I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I want her autograph on my taint
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
And then he peed in my hair
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