I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
