I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
