in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
