i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
