mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
