He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
