you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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