Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
