Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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