someone threw a dead crab at me
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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