What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
