Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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