a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
